1/31/11

1/31/11
Monday

Listening to: Blind Pilot - "Oviedo"



10:39am - 11:14am-
Stacy comes into the office and we start off talking about RITE, the movie she saw the other night about an exorcist. Then we got into an extensive conversation about demon possession in her family and curses and soap under cherry trees with pins in them....?! It was the most frightening thing I've ever heard.

11:45am-
Austin comes in the office:
"Well, Stacy, I've got some pictures that might cheer you up...."
I realize what he's talking about.
"Nooo..... Those are just gonna make her sick."

2:31pm-
Shay came by the studio to get some DVDs I was trying to make for his dance choreographer.
Weird that I'm mixing these worlds.

2:46pm-
"You can use the wifi here."
"Ok. Cheat me in. Brodog me into the system."

8:41pm-
Austin leaves the studio.
"Alright. See ya later buddy."

8:46pm-
I leave the studio.
Austin is standing right outside smoking a cigarette.
"Oh, hey there buddy...!"
We walk to the train.
I keep walking to go to the store and we part ways again.

8:51pm-
I walk to the stairs to the subway and Austin is still standing outside.
On the phone now.
I walk past, "this is just getting awkward now."

8:55pm-
Austin walks down into the subway and stands near by on the platform.
We don't say anything.

11:11pm-
Heading to Brooklyn to hangout with Austin for a little bit but the trains are taking so long cause they're preparing for the blizzard tomorrow.
I call Austin and tell him I'm not gonna make it and go to Noreen's instead.

2:53am-
We had a long talk.

Apparently I was stopping, or, holding back from her, emotionally, (which I knew I was) but I didn't change things physically.
Which, even though we don't DO anything, made it look like I was only after one thing. Which is NOT the type of guy I want to be.

But I was. Holding back. Withdrawing even. I had recently become afraid of being too sweet or romantic or thoughtful in fear she would like me more. Because I didn't know if I wanted that.

But I didn't slow things down physically because i didn't want her to know I was feeling that way.
But I forgot that girls are perceptive of emotional vibes and energy and stuff.
She too, had recently seemed closed off. And that's why.


I hadn't been talking much lately in the last few days, and she was feeling..... 'empty'. My words, not hers.


I explained love languages...
I've been spending TIME with her. So to me, things were fine. I was showing her how i felt by spending time.
We did things.
But I didn't TELL her how I felt. And that was her language.

I went on:
"See how I have my hands in your hair..? I've been twirling it in my fingers all night..? That's me saying 'i love your hair! I wanna touch it and feel it and I think it's great..!' but to you, it's just me saying 'my hands are bored.' now if I translate physically twirling your hair into YOUR language it would be me SAYING 'i think your hair looks really great tonight. It's thick and curly and I want to touch it..!'

I knew her language now.
But im still afraid to use it....